OVERCLOCK BLACKOUT™ — Cascades Roast (Medium-Dark) Stimulation for the Soul-Dead.

Description: 

Welcome to the end of your productive delusions. Overclock BLACKOUT™ is not just a medium-dark roast — it’s a legally consumable coping mechanism roasted to the edge of burnout.

Crafted for the chronically online, emotionally offline, and spiritually buffering, this cup of Cascadian chaos hits hard enough to resuscitate your will to pretend. Expect notes of pine smoke, ashtray ambition, and that faint flicker of purpose you hallucinate during back-to-back Zoom calls.

Sourced from wherever guilt-free caffeine still grows, but roasted right here in the belly of burnout — the Pacific Northwest, where dreams go to hibernate under moss and unpaid freelance invoices.

Pairs well with:

• Inbox despair

• Morning performance reviews

• The quiet scream in your throat before your 9am sync

Warning: May cause increased productivity theater, late-night self-loathing, and spontaneous career pivots. Not FDA-approved for emotional clarity.

The Cascades Coffee Blend delivers a rich and robust delight for your mornings. Packed in a 12oz bag, this medium-dark roast boasts flavors of cocoa and toasted nut, offering a full-bodied experience with each sip. Sourced from South America, this blend is the perfect choice for brewing it in your drip coffee maker, moka pot, or percolator. And with both whole bean and ground options available, you're in control of your coffee experience. Roasted with care in the USA. 

.: Size: 12oz (340g)
.: Medium-dark roast
.: Toasted nut and cocoa tasting notes
.: Growing region: South America
.: Whole bean or ground options available
.: Roasted in the USA
.: Small batch roasted by experts for superior quality, consistency and freshness
.: Graded and certified as "Specialty Grade Craft Coffee" according to the Specialty Coffee Association’s (SCA) guidelines
.: Please note: This product is shipped only to the United States and their territories, as well as Canada
.: Please note: This product is not eligible for publishing on Etsy, eBay, or Amazon US

EU representative: HONSON VENTURES LIMITED, gpsr@honsonventures.com, 3, Gnaftis House flat 102, Limassol, Mesa Geitonia, 4003, CY

Product information: Roastify, 2 year warranty in EU and Northern Ireland as per Directive 1999/44/EC

Care instructions: Store coffee in a cool dry place away from direct sunlight to preserve freshness and aroma. Once opened, seal the bag by closing the locking flap with the bag to prevent the coffee from being exposed to oxygen.

Sure. Here’s an on-brand disclaimer in Unfitware™ voice that still meets legal and platform guidelines:

⚠️ DISCLAIMER: READ BEFORE YOU PANIC

Product descriptions on this site use intentional satire and irony. They are written for entertainment purposes only and may not accurately represent the actual physcials or digital product you recieve. While the jokes may be dark and the metaphors disturbingly accurate, rest assured: the actual products you receive are real, functional, and not emotionally cursed.

Unfitware™ roasts systems, not beans. So while we may poke fun at hustle culture, digital burnout, or your fifth cup of coping fluid, the physical products themselves are safe, high-quality, and delivered without existential dread (shipping delays not included).

If you're confused, offended, or unsure whether to laugh or cry — you're exactly where we want you. Welcome to Unfitware™.